


Stupid Fucking Cat

by nihilBliss



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Aftercare, Anal Sex, Blood Kink, Bulges and Nooks (Homestuck), Caliginous Romance | Kismesis, Choking, Consentacles, Cunnilingus, Exhibitionism, F/F, Kink Negotiation, Light BDSM, Masturbation, Mild Blood, Not Epilogue Compliant, Pet Names, Porn With Plot, Post-Canon, Rough Sex, Spitroasting, Tentacle Sex, Tentacles, Voyeurism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-02
Updated: 2019-06-02
Packaged: 2020-04-06 20:01:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,975
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19069666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nihilBliss/pseuds/nihilBliss
Summary: How do you solve a problem like Rose Lalonde? When she doesn't want to talk about her problems, she shuts herself off and becomes as yielding as an oyster. That was one thing when she was 13, but now she's a grown woman with a wife and a career. And when she shuts down, it hurts her beloved wife, too.So what's an alien vampire fashionista to do but ask for help?





	Stupid Fucking Cat

**Author's Note:**

  * For [gamblignant8](https://archiveofourown.org/users/gamblignant8/gifts).



The fact that the Condesce-ruled Earth no longer existed seemed a poor reason to deny Earth C an annotated edition of Rose’s other self’s literary masterpiece, a version of _Complacency of the Learned_ designed not as fiction but as anti-imperial, anti-fascist propaganda. Rose spent months having coffee and conversations with Dirk and Roxy to understand all of the nuanced subversion that riddled the books. As she’d told her publishers again and again, there were scores of differences between her own novel, a singular entity, and this series.

Perhaps the most obvious, Rose thought, lay in the name printed on the cover: Rose Lalonde from that timeline, versus her own preferred Rose Lalonde-Maryam. She traced the well-worn letters in the hardcover copy of her own first novel she kept in her purse. Those last six letters represented the best thing that had ever happened to her. She smiled, and things suddenly didn’t seem so bad.

But guilt bubbled up alongside thoughts of Kanaya, as it tended to lately. In getting the books out, Rose had been absent from home, emotionally as much as physically. Kanaya tried to help, but Rose didn't want to burden her with the dull slog of publishing negotiations. So she bottled everything up and trudged on, trusting that things would wrap up soon. Once they did, she could let herself fall back into long and lovely nights of tea and cuddling that simmered into slow, patient, gentle lovemaking.

She opened her door, ready to fall into the arms of the woman she still sometimes couldn’t believe she’d been lucky enough to marry. Maybe she'd make tea, maybe not, but soon, she could stop thinking altogether for what little evening remained. Kanaya's voice came quietly from the den, along with another voice. A guest? Rose wondered who it could be as she set her things aside. The voice sounded familiar, but she couldn't quite place it - probably one of Kanaya's connections in government. No matter, Rose would remember when she saw a face.

“I hope I'm not inter…” Rose froze halfway through her word as she entered the room. Her pupils dilated, and fight-or-flight nerves fired up and down her spine.

Flashing pink and purple light colored Kanaya's face as she turned, looking like she'd been caught red-handed stealing state secrets from the cookie jar. And opposite her, the incriminating evidence sat her teacup down and stood, smiling politely.

“Oh hi, Rose,” Jasprose said, “I was just talking to your wife about how you're taking shitty care of yourself and how that’s really unfair to her.”

Rose grit her teeth. She looked to Kanaya, trying to project curiosity instead of fury. From the way Kanaya winced, she'd had limited success.

“How ought one respond to an opening line like that?” Rose asked.

“Defensive sarcasm,” Jasprose said. “Then, maybe you can shut up and listen.”

Rose crossed her arms and bit her tongue. There was no victory to be had in trading barbs with someone who knew her playbook and would escalate without restraint. Not that it made it easier.

“I'll make this short,” Jasprose said, crossing toward Rose. “You're stressed. You don't talk about your problems. So you stress your wife out. She doesn’t want to make things worse, so she asks for help. The teal troll who licks people tells her to go to the source and ask a different Rose. So here I am, giving your wife advice on how to unfuck your head.”

Kanaya shrugged sheepishly. It was an accurate enough assessment of things, if blunt. Covering wound with anger, Rose curled her lip.

“So what sage advice have you abated your unceasing tour of shenanigans to share with us mere mortals?” she asked.

Jasprose snorted a laugh, now within arm’s reach of Rose.

“Let your hair down!” she said. “Have some fun! And I’m not talking about knitting.”

Jasprose winked as suggestively as Rose had ever seen anyone wink. She flushed, a little. Had Kanaya really brought up their admittedly waning love life?

“You’re so self-conscious, Rose,” Jasprose said. She prowled around Rose like a stalking predator, sending chills up Rose’s spine. “You’re doing this dumb, idyllic romantic sex thing, but it’s not because that’s how you like to fuck. You’re a freak! A total pervert! No offense intended, but you’re one of the only Roses who didn’t dive headfirst into all the sex you could come up with the first chance you got. I guess that has something to do with not spending a bunch of time wandering the dream bubbles as a ghost. But you have no excuse. You have a wife to help you! And she loves you like I love me! Plus, you know, literal goddess-queen.”

Oh dear. Rose had turned bright red, her heartbeat deafening in her head. This insolent little shit… Yeah, she had a few indelicate fantasies coming right to the surface.

“But you keep such a tight hold on how people see you,” said Jasprose. “If you’d let go, you could get your hands on what you really want.”

Something snapped in Rose’s brain then. Jasprose had a good idea — a great idea, even. Really, it was the perfect idea. She unclenched her fists and reached both hands out, and she grabbed what she wanted.

Rose wrapped her fingers around Jasprose’s throat and squeezed as hard as she could, clenching her jaw and glaring at Jasprose with blood in her eyes. Kanaya stood, but Jasprose held her hand up.

“It’s fine,” she croaked. She gave Kanaya a thumbs-up and smiled as best she could, her face turning a magnificent shade of dark red, the deep cherry of a fine cabernet. Rose savored the experience, felt her breathing going ragged as she squeezed.

“You want to see what I fantasize about with you?” Rose said, expression twisting into a grin. “You wanna play?”

Jasprose nodded enthusiastically, then tapped Rose’s arm a few times. Rose let her go, panting, arms slack at her sides. Then, Jasprose pounced, pinning her to the ground with unexpected strength.

"You really suck at negotiating a kink beforehand,” said Jasprose.

“It would be unbecoming for you to pretend that verbiage isn’t the initiation point for one of our particularly dear fantasies,” said Rose, struggling.

“Yeah, we sure do masturbate to throttling people we don't like, huh?” said Jasprose. She lapped at Rose's cheek with her rough tongue, lingering just a little longer than necessary.

“My youthful frustration fantasies were not and are not sexual,” Rose snapped back. No matter how she tugged or twisted, she couldn't make headway. And the more she struggled, the more she didn't so much mind.

“Keep telling yourself that,” Jasprose answered, catching Rose's ear between her teeth. "Don't you remember Vriska? Or that fish douche with the cape? Or did you save that honor for me?”

Rose quivered with anger. Jasprose was far across the line. But the itch in the back of her mind made real escape impossible. She was curious, plain and simple, and hers was not a curiosity that could be easily satisfied. Nor was the warmth she felt in her belly, the one that kept her breathing heavy and irregular.

“You continue to be presumptuous,” Rose said, a lusty smile on her face. “If you know my desires so well, why don't you try and prove it? Let me decide whether or not it's worth putting up with your attitude?”

Kanaya, meanwhile, sat in her chair, hands crossed on her lap, nibbling her lip. She could see Rose's desire building, gradually but inevitably. Seeing her like this, simmering, just this side of boiling over, drove Kanaya wild.

Jasprose sat up on Rose's hips and smiled that little kitty 3-smile as she lifted her princess skirt. Out reached four long, pink- and purple-striped tentacles, which glistened in the firelight.

“What do you think about these fuckers?” she said, one caressing Rose's cheek.

“Well I could certainly get into those lovely things,” said Rose, turning to kiss it.

“I'd rather get them into you.”

Tentacles struck like pythons and wrapped themselves around Rose’s hands and chest, holding her tight. Rose gasped as she left the floor.

“Oh yeah, we haven’t even talked about restraint yet,” Jasprose said. “We always loved it when the horrorterrors tied us up before they used us.”

“Are you suggesting versions of me had intimate dalliances with…”

“Incomprehensible beings from the dark corners of infinity?” Jasprose asked, bringing Rose close, whispering. “Forbidden knowledge is catnip to you, Rose. No exceptions.”

Lust subsumed the horror that tried to bubble up in Rose’s mind. Her core went molten, and she felt herself growing damp and needy. The hows of Jasprose’s suggestion were a little more perplexing. But paradox space will do what it will do.

“Now given that you married a vampire,” Jasprose began, running a claw down the chest of Rose’s work dress, splitting it in two. “I think blood should be obvious. Maybe you’ve indulged with Kanaya?”

“She has let me drink from her,” Kanaya offered, “but not… like this.”

“Oh really?” Jasprose asked, smirking as best as her kitty face could manage. Rose gulped. “Just remember, dear. Green means go, yellow means slow down, red means hard stop.”

Rose nodded, quivering. Then Jasprose sent Rose’s dress fluttering to the ground in the blink of an eye, shredded. She ran her claws oh-so-lightly up Rose’s stomach, just enough to make her shiver and gasp. A single silky fingerpad traced the same path back, this time going further, reaching the band of a simple pair of black panties. She snapped the elastic against Rose’s skin. Up again her fingerpad traveled, resting at Rose’s collarbone.

Then, Jasprose carved a long, bloody line down the center Rose’s chest, all the way to the bellybutton. Rose groaned, eyes pinched shut, arching her back away from the pain. When she dared to look, she saw a single drop of blood suspended from the tip of Jasprose’s outstretched claw.

“This drives us wild,” said Jasprose. She held Rose’s mouth open with her free paw and let the blood drip onto her tongue, salty and metallic. Rose gasped and shivered hard in the tentacles’ embrace.

“Do you like it?” mocked Jasprose, savoring all the details of Rose’s needy expression. “It’s only natural you’d find your taste delicious. Everything about us is delectable, after all.”

Rose was lost in the flavor on her tongue, the heat, the way she wished it was stronger and coated her tongue more. She licked her lips and sighed.

“Don’t be condescending,” she said. “I at least know my cunt is a treat.”

By now, Kanaya’s face was a deep jade, her flush creeping past the collar of her shirt. She wrung her skirt between her hands, trying to ignore the wriggling need beneath. God, she enjoyed hearing Rose talk about her human vulva almost as much as she liked licking it, kissing it, sliding her bulge into its warm and ever-welcoming depth, feeling it quiver and convulse as Rose proclaimed her love.

“Every Rose that has a pussy loves how it tastes,” said Jasprose. “Of course, you can’t eat your own like me. But that's your loss.”

Jasprose traced finger along Rose’s panties to the point where a dampness darkened them yet further. With that one fingertip, she stroked up and down the length of Rose’s desire. Even through fabric, the stimulation sent Rose gasping, and she strained against Jasprose’s tentacular grip, finding no slack.

“Don’t move,” said Jasprose.

“Wha…” Rose began. But the question answered itself when she felt Jasprose’s claw extend, poking the skin just a little. Her panties stretched before they tore, and the elastic tugged the fabric between her lips. Rose squeaked when the waistband gave, and Jasprose dragged her claws up Rose’s belly, eliciting a loud and shameless groan. Vivid red lines stood out against skin that was now covered with goosebumps.

Jasprose licked her claw, unhurried, as Rose squirmed in her grip. It was, she supposed, time to get on with things. She flexed her hand and extended all five claws, looking over each one as if checking a manicure. Rose could only stare and anticipate, shivering.

“Is something wrong, Rose?” Jasprose asked, innocent as she could manage.

“Touch me,” Rose said, breathy, a little desperate, or certainly more than Kanaya had ever seen her.

“Is that really the way you ask?” Jasprose said. “What a bore. Maybe I should just leave…”

“I said touch me, you ridiculous chimerical bitch!” Rose shouted. “Touch my cunt, or I will tear you into whatever smallest pieces I can!”

Kanaya gasped, legs clamped tight together, holding her thrashing bulge in place as best she could. Rose could be a fiery lover at times, but this was… well, something she would have to provoke on her own time. She licked her lip and allowed herself to rub her knees together, twisting her bulge between them.

By the time Kanaya’s attention returned to her wife, Jasprose had a hand down the front of Rose’s torn panties, one fingertip gliding up and down between her lips, just enough to keep Rose on edge. Just enough to keep her misdirected. A slimy, striped tentacle now entwined one of her legs, replacing Jasprose’s hand. The tentacle slipped back, further back, between Rose’s cheeks, where it found its mark.

Rose’s eyes shot open at the gentle, wet pressure. That was a hell of a sensation she was getting, one that had never crossed her mind. Well, not in terms of actually doing it. With someone else, that is. She’d put fingers up there, but nothing too big. Just her smaller toys. And, well, those dream bubbles were dreams, right?

Rose had plenty of time to further ponder the ontological consequences of dream selves once she’d properly marinated in the fullness she felt as Jasprose’s tentacle squeezed its lubricated way into her ass. She wasn’t aware her voice could go quite that high, but tonight was a night for surprises.

“Am I tickling your toebeans yet, prissypuss?” Jasprose asked. “Rosey likes her butt fucked?”

Rose nodded desperately, squealing and groaning out half-formed syllables.

“Yeah, Rosey LOVES getting her butt fucked. I know,” she said. “Rosey loves being an exhibitionist, too, doesn’t she? Hmm? Loves being the center of attention?”

Rose gasped as the tentacle started to slide in, out, in, out, in long, slow strokes, leaving her aching and empty, then fulfilling her need over and over. She nodded, managed an “uh-huh.”

“Rosey wanna let her wife jerk off?” Kanaya abruptly stopped her not-nearly-so-discrete-as-she’d-hoped thigh rubbing and clamped down on her wriggling bulge, going board-stiff, clenched fists pulling her skirt so tight it threatened to tear. Rose met her eye, and in it, saw a tenderness she loved dearly, inseparable from a burning physical need.

“Yeh,” Rose managed. “Gog yeh.”

She managed a smile for her beautiful, patient, frankly perfect wife between Jasprose’s thrusts. Kanaya, for her part, kept composed, crossing her hands as she stepped away to find a bucket.

“You’re so fucking generous, Rosey,” said Jasprose, scratching the hell out of Rose’s thighs. Something between a scream and a moan caught in Rose’s throat and failed to resolve. The tentacle slipped in and out faster and faster, and Rose could only writhe. “Aren’t you benevolent for letting your wife jerk off while you’re drowning in your perverted pleasures? You love letting her watch you fuck other people almost as much as you love getting fucked by her, don’t you?”

“Y-yell…”

Jasprose froze, loosened her grip a little.

“Yellow?” she asked. Rose nodded. Jasprose pulled her tentacle free of Rose’s ass.

“This is between you and me,” she said, catching her breath. “Don’t pull her in like that.”

“Rose, after tonight, your wife is going to enable you go deeper down this rabbit hole than you could imagine,” Jasprose said.

“That’s our business, not yours,” she said. She couldn’t help but start wondering what it would be like, to go over the edge of decency and learn of the pleasures that had long beckoned from that strange territory. To drown in it, wrapped in the arms of her beloved.

“Of course it is,” Jasprose said. “Alright, no more taunting you with Kanaya. Any other limits?”

“No surprises if you cover my mouth. Nothing we haven't discussed, verbally. That includes recurring fantasies,” she said. “Nothing beyond that, I think. Please, continue.”

“My pleasure,” Jasprose said, and she thrust deep into Rose once more. Rose cried out and let herself fall back into pleasure. She caught Kanaya’s eyes, noted that her hot alien wife was bare and pale, glowing like the pole star. Rose felt like she’d never be lost again.

“Are you ignoring me?” Jasprose demanded, grabbing a fistful of Rose’s locks as she slammed her tentacle home. Rose yelped, and the tentacle withdrew, slowly this time. “Don’t ignore the cat, Rose. Who knows what trouble I might get up to?”

Jasprose raked her claws down Rose’s sides. She slammed the tentacle in, not fast but hard. Out it came again, slow, patient, unhurried before Jasprose rammed it home once more.

“It won’t be anything as simple as knocking a glass off a table,” Jasprose teased. Rose whined and gasped. Jasprose, satisfied, wrenched her head back and ran her sandpapery tongue up Rose’s neck. She sunk her sharp kitty teeth into the wet patch of skin. Rose writhed, impaled on the tentacle, helpless, all but shrieking as she came. Jasprose stopped biting but stayed locked onto Rose’s neck, licking blood from the wound.

“Good Rosey,” she said. “Good girl. Precious girl”

The tentacle slowed to a stop, still deep inside of Rose. She was in a fog, twitching from the pleasure and the stretch. She didn't notice Jasprose eyeing her neglected lips with hungry eyes until a rough kitty tongue slipped between her folds and dragged oh so slowly between them. Rose squealed as she came once more.

“What a fun little noise,” Jasprose said. “Let’s hear it again.” She went for Rose’s clit and, trapping it between her lips, started lapping at it with those fast, light cleaning laps.

“Yellow! Fuck, yellow!” Rose swore, wincing. Jasprose backed off and looked up at Rose with a cocked eyebrow. “Too much on the clit. Way, way too much on the clit. Tongue is too rough.”

“Okay,” said Jasprose, smiling, a playful lilt in her voice, putting on a show for Kanaya. “Was the rest good?”

Rose nodded enthusiastically.

“Very,” she said, still out of breath.

“Good Rosey,” said Jasprose. “Now I know how far I can push your sweet little cunt. Good perverts get what they want when they communicate, yes?”

Rose nodded.

“I’m enjoying this, but you need to give me mine,” said Jasprose. “Does Rosey like sucking tentacle, I ask like I don’t know the answer is ‘Yes please choke me mommy’?”

Rose shuddered.

“I refuse to call you… that,” she said. “Can you come with these things?”

“I do what I want,” said Jasprose, her once-still tentacle starting to tense and release inside of Rose’s stuffed hole.

“I-Oh! Ahn… that’s… okay, nothing new, said that when we ffffucking talked mouth, but, fuck...” Rose managed between groans and yelps.

“Use your words, Rosey,” said Jasprose mockingly, a new tentacle tracing the line of Rose’s lips.

“Just fucking… oh, dear, just fucking wreck me,” Rose said, and then, she spoke no more. Jasprose’s tentacle slipped into Rose’s mouth. It slid in and out, keeping rhythm with its counterpart in her ass. Jasprose returned her tongue to Rose’s labia, and she reveled in the solipsistic bliss of eating one’s own snatch. And Rose’s increasingly unhinged whining made perfect music.

This was all too much for Kanaya, who kneeled over a purple and jade bucket, two fingers buried in her nook and a handful of wriggling bulge besides. Her human wife, her beloved, was a wreck of tears and sweat and purple-pink slick. She was so beautiful like this, so completely the woman Kanaya wanted to spend her life with, terrifying without pretense. That thought fought hard for purchase against Kanaya’s curiosity — how would it feel to have Rose groaning around her bulge like that? To have her gasping and squealing while Kanaya fucked her chute? That had an appeal all its own. Kanaya’s neglected shame globes clenched, pulsing jade into the waiting pail.

Rose wasn’t aware of Kanaya’s climax. The stretching heat within her and the thick thing that plunged into her throat and the tongue that teased her lips commanded her attention. The world, the past, the future, all of them dropped away. Rose was here and now, wholly in the moment.

“Rosey’s done a good job,” came a voice she barely registered. “Good Rosey, good little fuckpuppet.” Then came yowling. Heat flowed into Rose at both ends. She gulped, then she gasped, then she panted as she tried and failed to bring the world back into focus. Oh what bliss, this brief oblivion. Oh what peace she had found. Her body shivered.

“Enjoy yourself, Rosey?” Jasprose asked. Rose said nothing, did nothing. Eyes open, she hung limp from Jasprose’s tentacle grasp. Jasprose purred, running a thumb along Rose’s jaw. Still, Rose did nothing.

“Kanaya, I think I broke your wife,” Jasprose said. “Wipe the cum off of your hands. I’m going to teach you about aftercare.”

* * *

Rose buried her face against Kanaya's chest, not quite back together, though the herbal tea and the fruit juice and the long bubble bath all helped. She was spent, physically and mentally, and by fuck did it feel nice. Kanaya pulled the chunky knit blanket up over the two of them. It was, Rose noted, the one she’d made during their honeymoon. Intellectually, she knew it couldn’t really still smell like the ocean winds of what had once been called Big Sur, where she and Kanaya had picknicked on top of a rocky cliff. But with it against her skin, there she was, cool Pacific breeze and hot California sun, air thick with salt. The most important detail from that day, though, remained constant: her wife, soft and lovely, wound Rose in her arms.

“How are you feeling, Rose?”

“Mmm,” Rose answered, content to remain right where she was. “I’m fantastic, lover mine. You’re so good to me.”

Kanaya smiled and kissed Rose’s forehead.

“You have not been yourself lately,” Kanaya said. “You needed this release?”

Rose took a deep breath. Here it was. She looked up at Kanaya.

“I’m sorry I’ve worried you,” she said, melancholic.

Kanaya stifled the beginnings of a sob.

“How could I not worry, my beloved? I agreed to help you carry your burdens as you did mine. Your suffering is my own,” she said. “When I don’t know how to help you and you tell me everything is fine despite all evidence pointing to the contrary, it hurts.”

“Oh, my love,” Rose said, pulling Kanaya tight to her. “My dear, precious love. I’m so sorry. It’s my editor. He’s an ass, and he completely misunderstands the subtleties of my writing, and if I wouldn’t lose the rights to these characters, I’d simply break contract and find someone else. And with how you ask to make love, I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

Kanaya kissed her forehead again.

“I hope you know that I will love you no matter what you wish to indulge in,” she said, smiling. “I wish you had told me of your desires sooner. I am now very interested in exploring kinks together.”

“You and I both,” Rose said, “though it seems I’m far from the most experimental Lalonde in paradox space.”

“We’ll take this journey together then?” Kanaya said before planting another kiss on Rose’s lips. Rose smiled and wriggled as close into their embrace as she could.

“I would have it no other way.”


End file.
